Sooo In the midst of 1000+ pages of reading

I'm leading session for Brother's K, which means I need to finish the rather large book this weekend. I have no deep thoughts about the book yet (and maybe I never will), but I'm okay with this because the book is so incredibly brilliant it can be deep for me. 

The passage that I have been meditating on: "Can there be beauty in Sodom? Believe me, for the vast majority of people, that's just where beauty lies--did you know that secret? The terrible thing is that beauty is not only fearful but also mysterious. Here the devil is struggling with God, and the battlefield is the human heart."

Why I shouldn't be let near a computer when sleep deprived...

So the semester is almost over. I have never been more keen to see the end of a school year. It’s ironic actually, most of my high school years were spent building to and pining after college, and now that I am here it’s turned to dust. *sigh * Okay, now that I have the melodrama out of my system, I can almost look at this semester objectively.

 

I am beginning to fear that college just isn’t for me. It’s a strange fear to have, considering the fact I’ve spent 2 and half years here. And yet, I find myself dissatisfied as I listen to my fellow English majors rant about critical theory and their analytical papers. I grow tired of reading a book and discussing everything except the story, but most of all I find myself weary of writing—not fiction, before you all keel over and die—but those strange beasts called papers, where the only tone that is acceptable is an academic tone.  My inability to write an academic paper passing-ly well, frustrates me to no end, before the emotion doubles back on me and I start my doubt my ability to write at all. Do I have what it takes to be writer? Am I just kidding myself when I tell people I want to write for a living?

 

And I know doubt comes with the whole “if you want to write for a living deal”, that it’s part and parcel with this great love, but sometimes its just hard to ignore all of the shredded essays around your feet, all of the blood red comments over your words. I frantically search through the bits of fiction I have written this semester and find hardly a word worth saving let alone a sentence.

 

This semester has been a dozy and I am ready for it to end. Maybe the next one will be better suited for me.

Surprise!

I'm not dead... go figure. 

Sorry about the lack of posting, I really have been writing. I swear. *nods head emphatically* Fine don't believe me. 

Just a couple of things:

1. It finally got warm here. Huzzah for 110 :) It's about time.

2. I'm trying to teach myself how to draw... not well, just competently.

3. I'm still working on my pro-life blog. Apparently its harder to write than rant about. Good news is that I may have found something that will help.

4. I'm off to comic con soon, but hopefully by the time I'm back there should be another post. 

5. Ender's Game. If you have not read this book, or refuse to because it's science fiction, I pity you. This was my second time reading it and it still tugged at my heart strings (and now each time I look at my own writing I have unfair expectations *curses Card*)

  

-x'nedra

Because you waited so long...

I'm posting twice in one night. Don't get use to this. 

So brief intro: this is from my journal that I kept in Europe. You won't be getting all of my journal entries, because I'm just selfish that way, but you are getting some (which means you get to read what I'm still chewing over... apparently when you stumble across big ideas they just follow you around). This journal entry has no big ideas... but I promise the next one will *shifty eyes*

I have the craziest thoughts when I fly. I suspect its because I am desperately trying to distract myself from the reality of my predicament: strapped into a metal body that really should not be able to fly, trying to reaffirm my beliefs in fairies (since all sane people believe fairies keep planes up in the air and allow them to fly *shifty eyes*). All while the plane shakes and shudders down the air strip. Just for clarification I am not a nervous flier, in fact when we’re in the air I have no trouble forgetting the fact we’re 40,000 feet(?) in the air, however it is in the in between time when the plane seems unsure of whether it should stay on the ground, where it had become so attached, or return to the air that is so familiar, that I find myself wishing for the invention of teleportation. Surely my body being torn into tiny parts would be more comfortable than this tortuous experience?

            Nevertheless, teleportation has not been invented yet which is why I am strapped into a seat that is firmly welded to a giant metal body that really should not be able to fly (look we’ve come full circle). It is while I’m breathing deep breaths, feeling the plane begin to jerk up before bouncing gently on the ground, that 2 thoughts cross my mind. The first I believe was a desperate attempt to reorient my thinking. I told myself, “The reason planes have so much “trouble” taking off is that they are beings designed to fly, to live in the air, and we do a disservice to them by chaining them to the ground.” This all seemed rational at the time, as if planes were living beings that had been harnessed by humans instead of just metal melded together with no life apart from the machine one humanity forced on it. My other thought was utterly trivial: I should have bought more gum before leaving.

            By the time I had finished both of these thoughts we had started our assent ( if I was a Torrey Nerd I would make a Dante joke, it will just have to suffice that I know where a Dante joke would go). My mindless fright turned to white hot terror as I recalled every roller coaster experience I ever had, and wished with all of my might that this experience was over. Eventually the plane leveled out. Eventually the white hot terror dissipated, leaving me vulnerable to the chilled air. Eventually movies and Stephen King came to entertain (ok so Stephen King himself didn’t come to entertain me, but his book Drawing of the Three did). But those first few minutes always make me reconsidering flying. I write this from the Frankfurt airport , as I am about to board another plane that will take me into Athens and begin a journey following the footsteps of that great poet Dante. May God open my eyes and allow me to see what there is to see. 

Apologies and Everyday Life

So I've discovered that I'm really bad at this. *sigh* Oh well it can only get better. So I was going to have my blog post on what it means to be pro-life written but apparently jet-lag was more intense than I had anticipated. So that's my excuse, lame as is it is, now onto the mildly better stuff. 

I finally read Stephen King's On Writing while I was in Europe. I'm not sure if I would go as far as to say this book changed my life, but it definitely gave me some perspective. I've always taken my writing seriously, but reading his book gave me a glimpse into what it would look like to write for a living, and what type of dedication it would take ( I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to write... or anyone who enjoys reading, it has some really cool stuff on story telling). As a result, I've taken down one of my stories from facebook because it is getting overhauled this summer :). I'm also polishing/writing several short stories in hopes of eventually publishing one in a magazine sometime this year. *crosses fingers*

So this means that I am in a frenzy of writing, trying to churn out at least a 1,000 words (which isn't really all that much) a day on my novel, spruce up or create a short story, and still find some time to work on the articles I want to write for my blog. My summer which had seemed so barren at first glance has suddenly sprouted new life. I'm not complaining too much. 

I'm also in the midst of Wastelands by Stephen King... his Dark Tower series has sucked me in... but that's a whole other blog post.

A quick hello

Hi!

Ummm... not a true blog post (mainly because I have 12 billion other things I should be doing) but I wanted to let everyone know a couple of things.

1. Vera is in the shop! Huzzah! 

This means when I get back from Europe I will have access to a computer all the time. I'm hoping to post once a week... but we'll see.

2. I'm going to Europe! 

I'm gone from the 28th-the 11th. Now when you factor in jet lag time, I'm probably not going to have any posts until the 15th at the earliest. But... this does mean you get to see pretty pictures from my trip and my awesome cool ramblings ;)

3. I love comments (they make my entire week)

I'm one of those pathetic writers who read, then reread, then reread again, any comments that are made. Soooo if you want to make my week comment on my posts, because I love to hear other people's opinion. 

A glimpse into the future: My next blog post (if things go according to my plan) will be "What does it mean to be Pro Life"

-x'nedra